BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE ENDS
Essentially, the title to this brochure is an oxymoron, in that marriage that is instituted by God cannot end (Gen. 2:24). Mankind does fail, however, and has corrupted that which God originally made holy. It is God's intent that marriage be permanent, one man, one woman for life (Mt. 19:6). Divorce for any reason is always a compromise of God's plan for the home and should never be condoned (vs. 8). This leaves us with only one option, to rebuild that which is broken. This is certainly not a cause that is championed by a secular society. Lawyers and counselors have a vested interest in failed marriages. Besides this, misery loves company, and few "friends" will tell the real consequences of divorce. The church of Jesus Christ, however, does have an interest in saving marriages, and will tell the truth about the consequences. The purpose of this brochure is to show that there is a scriptural option, and hopefully redirect ones focus.
Marriage must be approached from the very beginning with the perspective that it is permanent. God instituted the state of marriage to be permanent because He more than any other knows the consequences when it ends. We, as members of society, have had ample opportunity to observe that the consequences of divorce are far more painful than the process of dealing with or adjusting to the problems that you face in your marriage. At the very best, you will only trade your present problems for a new set of problems. These new problems are likely to be worse because you will be combining the old problems that were never solved, with the new conflicts that are certain in any future relationships.
I. THE CAUSES OF MARITAL FAILURE
Marital failure is not an event, but a process that has many causes. Usually, however, the cause falls under one or more of the following categories:
A. Infidelity: Paul well stated the danger and influence of evil people (l Cor. 15:33). Our unisex society and coed work place has provided fertile soil, whereby Satan can bring moral disruption to a marriage. Infidelity, however, is not an automatic basis for divorce. God granted divorce to Israel because of their hardness of hearts, not because it was his will or purpose (Mark 10:2-5). God's purpose is to forgive and be restored (Mt. 6:14). Few, however, consider the anger, revenge, and personal defilement that occurs when forgiveness is not exercised (Heb. 12:15). Divorce doesnt solve problems because the root cause is rarely corrected; and if the root cause were corrected, divorce would not be necessary in the first place!
B. Emotional Detachment: A likely cause of marital problems today is emotional detachment, caused by years of emotional deprivation and lack of nurturing. It is common to hear, "I no longer love him;" or "I have no feelings for her any more." What they are really saying is that they are emotionally dead. When a marriage is taken for granted, it is no longer nurtured and nourished, and soon withers and drys up. To prevent this a husband must minister to his wives needs: Love (Eph. 5:25); Protect (l Pet. 3:7); Cherish (Eph. 5:29); Nurture, Recognition and Honor (1 Pet. 3:7) Likewise, to prevent a husband from becoming embittered toward his wife, she must Sustain him emotionally, as well by Respecting his leadership (Col. 3:18; Eph. 5:22-25); Reverencing his position (5:33) and Respecting and supporting him as a husband (l Peter 3:1-6).
C. Incompatibility: It is socially acceptable today to terminate a marriage when the partners are not compatible. We call this irreconcilable differences. When territorial rights are not determined early in marriage, fighting ensues to establish these rights. The lie of the devil is that happiness in life is discovered in exercising influence and rights. The Bible shows, however, that true marital happiness is found in surrendering rights first of all to the Lord, and secondly to the ones we love (l Pet. 3:8; Eph. 5:21). The first step in this process is found in Rom. 12:1-2. The real problem is not a matter of personal incompatibility with ones marriage partner, but rather incompatibility with God in that ones life and rights have not been surrendered. George Mueller was once asked the reason for his power and success. His response, "George Mueller died". Meaning total surrender to the Lord. With God's help, incompatibility can be used as an opportunity for expanding ones insight and learning.
Whenever marriage fails, God has provided a provision for restoration. And Jesus reminded us that as we place our trust in Him, we will find that his yolk is easy and his burden is light-Mt. 11:28. The only remaining option is to accept the consequences of marital divorce, which are too awful to even contemplate.
D. Finances: Whereas finances are usually a symptom of a deeper problem, it is usually very visible and complex. Selfishness and failure to budget is almost always the cause of financial distress.
E. Communication: Society has created a monster that must be fed continually. The result is little time to nurture a marriage through meaningful communication. Unfortunately, few couples have ever learned to communicate; leave alone apply the rules for having a fair fight.
F. Irresponsibility: Irresponsible behavior of either spouse often causes a rift of confidence and ultimately anger, vengeance, bitterness, and distrust.
G. Ambition: The pursuit of personal ambition always destroys the unifying fibre that holds it together. All ambition must conform to what is best for God first, marriage second, family third, and self last!
II. THE CONSEQUENCES OF MARITAL FAILURE
It has been rightly said that there is no free lunch, a price must be paid for all actions. There is a law of science that states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. In the case of divorce, God does forgive, but the consequences are very real and very painful to all that are involved. While there are those who try to justify their behavior by minimizing the consequences of their divorce, they will never tell the whole story or the total truth. But this brochure does! Simply because we are interested in restoring homes, not destroying homes. When God joins together a man and woman in marriage, it represents a fusion, similar to a welding or melting of two metals into one (Mt. 19:6). Once combined, this weld cannot be separated without destroying both. This same consequence applies to marriage. Note these examples:
A. Children: The most painful consequence of marital failure is paid by the children. While parents seek their own rights, little thought is given to the rights of the children.
B. Anger: The process of divorce causes so much fighting, anger and bitterness that little thought is given to anything else, least of all reconciliation.
C. Emotions: The emotional stress involving divorce is something that few ever recover from, and will certainly be a barrier in any future marriages. Surveys show that most divorced people experience an increased level of emotional tension after divorce is completed.
D. Guilt: The guilt resulting from divorce will become a permanent reminder, that you have violated God's purpose in marriage.
E. Socially: Marital divorce influences all future friendships; because of the breakdown in trust.
F. Spiritually: One who has violated his honor and disgraced the marriage vows will usually become degraded spiritually.
G. Scars: While God forgives, the natural scars in divorce make it very difficult to forgive oneself. This creates a bondage that must be carried for life.
H. Financial: It has been stated that the average divorce without a child custody battle will cost $9000. Eighty-eight percent of all divorced people say that divorce has had a negative impact on their standard of living.
I. Example: Surveys show that children of parents who are divorced are far more likely to have a divorce of their own.
J. Problems: Future problems are likely to be run from rather than solved.
K. Scripture: Divorce brings disrepute to scripture (l Cor. 6:1). The nine practices that God said he hates are violated in the divorce process (Prov. 6:17-19; 8:13).
III. THE CURE FOR MARITAL FAILURE
A. Christ: At the heart of every divorce is spiritual failure. It is not possible to destroy what God has built and still be in fellowship with the Lord. Many who come to this stage in marriage dont care much about their relationship with the Lord, but it is the first place to start when looking for a remedy. Have you truly trusted Christ as your Saviour and made him Lord of your life? (2 Cor. 5:17).
B. Commitment: Marriage is not based on love, emotional attachment or convenience, marriage is a commitment that is made for life! This is why it is made in the presence of God, the church, honored guests and signed by witnesses. It is not possible to violate ones honor without having consequences.
C. Forgiveness: One who is unwilling to exercise forgiveness falls into a snare that will bring bondage and spiritual defilement. One who does not exercise forgiveness is inviting the devil to afflict him with the same degradation that he was unwilling to forgive others for. The result is a state of defilement, anger, and vengeance.
D. Advice: People involved in a marriage problem usually receive poor advice from others, whether it be a trained professional or simply a friend, advice is often used to justify ones anger or conduct.
E. Focus: If ones focus is seeking vengeance, getting even, venting anger or achieving personal ambitions, little we say in this brochure will have much influence. For those who are searching for truth and solutions, the Bible gives both.
F. Healing: Healing does not usually occur if a wound is ignored, rather it must be cleansed and treated.
G. Purpose: In the beginning God made man and woman to compliment and complete each other (Gen. 3:18-22). As a result of the curse of sin; however, human and emotional needs arose for both: The wife would desire her husband; and the husband would be compelled to provide leadership for and accept responsibility for the home. Marital detachment is certain if a husband does not minister to a wife that is drawn to him; and a husband becomes detached from his wife if she does not respect and support the position that God has given to him. Man and woman were "fearfully and wonderfully" made by God, therefore we may never totally understand each other, no matter how long married; but we can read the book of the creator who has clearly defined the needs that each has.
Six ways the husband is to minister to his wife:
A. Love..................Eph. 5:25
B. Cherish...............Eph. 5:29
C. Honor................l Pet. 3:7
D. Recognize............l Pet. 3:7
E. Protect...........l Pet. 3:7
F. Render...............l Cor. 7:3
Six ways the wife is to minister to her husband:
A. Obedience..........Eph. 5:22-24
B. Reverence.............Eph. 5:33
C. Desire................Gen. 3:16
D. Help..................Gen. 2:18
E. Grace................Pet. 3:1-5
F. Render...............l Cor. 7:3
This brochure is not intended to replace counseling or therapy, but is merely an exhortation to consider the cost of divorce, and reconsider the options. There are few things in life more certain than this: If you do follow through with your plans to get a divorce, you will never really be separated or free from the influence of the person that you will come to hate through the divorce process. You will be drawn together by your children for the rest of your life. The truth is that you can learn to be happy together! Almost never are spouses able to change each other, but once committed to God, change can almost always occur. In the meantime, God can and will give you grace to endure. Under the direction of the Lord it is amazing how a surrendered marriage brings change. The couple becomes more and more like each other as they are more and more like God!
There is always great satisfaction and reward in determining to do what is right and honorable, even though there are many obstacles to overcome or endure. Happiness indeed is a choice that we make. (1 Timothy 6:6-8).
The purpose of this brochure is simply to redirect ones focus. The books listed below will help you work toward recovery and rebuilding your marriage.
l. The Divorce Decision: by Gary Richmond; Word Pub.
2. Love Life For Every Married Couple; Dr. Ed. Wheat.
3. Happiness Is A Choice; Minrith & Meier, Baker Book House.
4. Tender Warrior; Stu Webber, Multhomal.
BEFORE YOUR MARRIAGE ENDS, CONSIDER THIS:
l. Divorce violates the most sacred of all trusts, resulting in the loss of ones honor.
2. Divorce violates scripture, implying that you have forsaken your Christian values and standards.
3. Divorce represents a rejection of the marriage vows that were publicly solemnized and witnessed.
4. Divorce insults the sincerity of the witnesses that sacrificed their time and resources to honor you at your marriage.
5. The process of ending a marriage can cause pride, selfishness, vindictiveness, hatred and bitterness that is indelible and lifelong.
6. Divorce can cause a lifelong attitude of suspicion, distrust and paranoia that will affect every future relationship or friendship.
7. Divorce leaves children without a family influence and a distorted attitude toward the family.
8. Divorce causes turmoil and dissension in the church family; leaving a stumbling block to new and old Christians alike.
9. Divorce forces innocent parties to take sides, making them a recipient of the fault and blame that is unfairly passed around.
10. Innocent people that are forced into taking sides often end up being despised by both parties.
11. Those previously involved in Christian ministry usually nullify the influence of good that they have done in the past.
12. Divorce may disqualify one, in the future, from Christian leadership.
13. Statistically, divorce causes financial, emotional and domestic hardship.
14. The Bible says that those who are divorced should remain single in the future. 1 Cor. 7:11.
15. The odds are slim that you will ever be reconciled after the divorce is final.
16. Divorce is destructive to the welfare of society.
17. Visitation rights, child support and property distribution is seldom settled in an honorable or just way.
18. Your future relationships will be equally as troublesome because you have decided to run from your problems rather than solve them.
19. You will forfeit the satisfaction of preserving the greatest of all human institutions - marriage.
20. Divorce involves a question of personal rights and fairness; without taking into account fairness to the children that are usually innocent.
21. The pain of divorce can always be averted by applying and practicing the Biblical command of forgiveness, humility and selflessness.
22. Divorce is like a war, it is explosive, damaging and seems endless, there are no winners or heroes; only victims.
23. Visitation rights, child support, and alimony become a permanent reminder, and will never allow you to forget the spiritual, human and emotional trauma.